29 August 2015


by Andy Weddington
Saturday, 29 August 2015

"Weather forecast for tonight: dark." George Carlin

Stormy weather.

A fact of life, literally and figuratively, on Mother Earth.

Lena Horne sang a tune so titled. 

The second verse...

Life is bare, gloom and mis'ry everywhere
Stormy weather
Just can't get my poor self together
I'm weary all the time, the time
So weary all the time

Politics is stormy weather.

And stormy whether, too. 

A second verse rewrite...

Life is rare, doom and Hillary everywhere
Stormy Whether
Just can't put my doer self flesher
I'm leery but sublime, sublime
So leery but sublime

So, a forecast, a stormy whether forecast, for each of the GOP candidates. 

In no particular order...

Chris Christie: It's not a matter of whether gains are coming or not. Gains are coming! But not in the polls. State fairs offer gains of five, fifteen pounds maybe more - funnel cakes (not clouds), baby. 

Rick Perry: Whether or not asked, a certainty to shoot the breeze (perhaps a coyote) about securing the Texas border, guns, and barbecue. Little more than a dust devil. 

Rick Santorum: Big name and run in 2012. No storm surge this time. But Flash Flood Alert in effect - to be washed away, whether he likes it or not.

Marco Rubio: Stationary front. It's raining, mostly illegals, Senator. A worsening tropical storm there is - wise up or wash out. 

Jeb Bush: Governed in hurricane country. Whether or not he'll say something stupid? 50/50 leaning toward likely. Whether or not he'll follow-up clarifying he misspoke? Absolutely. His pattern clear. Remarkably unremarkable. 

John Kasich: Whether liking him or not, real with no snow job. But there's always chance - 1% - of a September blizzard in Ohio. So goes the odds of a Kasich avalanche. 

George Pataki: Flailing in a deep trough. Whether out today, tomorrow, or a month from now irrelevant. 

Carly Fiorina: Storm warning issued first debate. The color red, calm demeanor, and mention of two phone calls on Day 1 if elected president predictable as desert sunshine. Whether she holds and draws bigger audience depends much on next debate. 

Ted Cruz: A sophisticate. The candidate most likely to hang out - in Mensa clubs and isobars. Trade winds surfer. And has as many tracking models as meteorologists plotting a hurricane's path. Storm with promise. 

Rand Paul: Smog. Doldrums. Rain. Take two umbrellas and call Chris Christie in the morning. 

Jim Gilmore: Whilst standing on a fault line the earth quaked. Gil-no-more. 

Mike Huckabee: Some pray for fair weather whether they believe it helps or not. He does. Faith is free. Religion and politics expensive. The drought wins. No need for an Ark. 

Lindsey Graham: Dense fog. No money back but guarantee 0% chance of anything happening whether he does anything or not. 

Bobby Jindal: Too, a hurricane land man. But no storms named Bobby nor Jindal on the horizon. Campaign steadily peters out - to mere depression. 

Scott Walker: Tracking on Doppler radar with squall here and there but evaporating. 

Ben Carson: A tornado with big black thunderstorm - lightning bolt messages striking across the country with claps of thunder. Bolts and claps gap closing. Closest in polls to Mr. Trump. F3 to F4 soon. Energy. F5 potential. 

Donald Trump: Everybody complains whether they can do anything or not. The 'tycoon typhoon tsunami' vows, with conviction and entertainment and humor, to do something about it. So far, clear blue sunny skies. No humidity. Despite some heat, no sweat. Leads and still climbing in polls. Folks like him - 'the whetherman.'

Ah yes, Hillary. With her doom is everywhere. And gloom and mis'ry. Weary team and leery folks sum it up. Presently, her campaign is dropping faster than a barometer before stormy weather. Whether she buckles is not yet clear. Though Bill knows a little something about unbuckling - not so much under the circumstances. 

On a lighter closing note, all the candidates and their men and women, and all of us, too, would be well served to ever keep in mind a thought from Marty Robbins, "Every day is a good day to be alive, whether the sun's shining or not."

In closing...

Daily weather forecast: light and dark - day and night. 

Daily whether forecast: fight and bark - 24/7.

George Carlin would be amused, and wearing rubbers, while singing in the rain and figuring a quip about the emancipation precipitation. 

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