by Andy Weddington
Sunday, 06 April 2014
"My idea of fast food is a mallard." Ted Nugent
A few days ago President Obama spoke before a friendly crowd at the University of Michigan. A dopey speech merits dopey comment.
Amid juvenile remarks, targeting juveniles (real college students would have been insulted), he called the Republican budget plan a "stinkburger" and "meanwich."
His bite of sound portrayed, yet again, a president with a degree of economic sophistication beneath that of a young teenage paperboy - too young to work at a burger joint.
Our struggling economy aside, as Charles Krauthammer observed, with all the controversy (putting it kindly) surrounding President Obama, 'it's as if he was on a White House tour and stumbled into the Oval Office suddenly finding himself president.'
An expert stinkburger fashioner, whoppers all (no offense to Burger King), let's review some of Chef Obama's flippin' work.
On the menu (no value meals - sides and drinks extra)...
#1 The Obamacare Burger
The 'Supreme un-American turkey burger!' This stinker of all stinkers deserves its #1 menu position. There's nothing affordable about it - cost depends upon reported income. Thousands of pages detail ingredients for dressing this burger which no one pays attention to anyway. Thus, no two stinkers are made the same - and the patron is forced to buy it before finding out what's on it. Declining in popularity, and bad for your health, this unconstitutional stinker is available for home delivery when ordered through the Obamacare website (good luck with that) - but only after upfront registration and payment.
#2 The IRS Burger
The "501c3" - as the grill hand calls it. This 'meanwich' is also called the 'Screw You Burger.' Political party affiliation required before ordering - Democrats move left for expeditious delivery and Tea Party and Republicans move right while orders are scrutinized; misplaced; delayed; investigated; undercooked; wrongly dressed; overcharged; and heavily taxed - all whilst preparers smugly plead the 5th.
#3 The Cell Phone Surveillance Burger
The "ICU" (I See You), in text lingo. This fishy burger need not be ordered, "they" already know what you want. The only burger, and boy does it stink, that absolutely comes your way every time - nationwide. The NSA says, "Enjoy every byte. LOL!"
#4 The Benghazi Burger
The ultimate (sitting) duck burger! It's #4 on the menu for good reason. The skinny piece of expired overcooked chicken stamped in the shape of the White House with chicken liver pate generously slathered atop, slapped between two giant slices of stale pumpernickel, is also smothered in a putrid sauce concocted by the State Department, Pentagon and NSA. Necessarily, it comes double wrapped and sealed in wax paper. A video demonstrates handling this clumsy, messy, smelly burger. Pleas for help go unanswered. Mr. Nugent and patriots pinch nostrils, gag, and give this stinker two thumbs down, twice.
#5 The Birth Control Burger
This stinker is built around pounded then marinated mystery meat shaped into a pill. For extra aroma, limburger cheese available. Wrapped in plastic, it comes with free condoms - strike that - condiments and an environmental-friendly, single-use, smoke-free electric cigarette. After ordering, don't step aside, bend over - the customer behind you pays.
#6 The Green Burger
Like all stinkburgers, this tasteless one - of soy bean and bean sprouts - is prepared (not cooked with fossil fuels) with eco-friendly energy sources. It's outrageous price helps fund wind and solar energy research, development, and fielding (that never happens). Offered in an edible fresh spinach wrapper, this burger, ironically, produces excessive gas - that's taxed. Some profit is directed to the 'Save Al Gore Diet Fund.'
#7 The Illegal Immigrant Burger
Contrary to its name, this little stinking stinker is not illegal. It also comes in sliders (as in under the fence and radar). And it's free to illegals (what birth certificates and green cards?) - who enjoy head of the line privileges. Order in Spanish for a free #1 Obamacare Burger. Si, stinky dos hamburguesas gratis! Muy buena.
#8 The Crimea Burger
Made from ground brown bear, this geopolitical stinker - favored in Russia and parts of the Ukraine, comes wrapped in red line striped paper that's made in China. A White House favorite, it replaces the Libya, Iran, and Syria Burgers.
Hail to the chef!
With two more years of kitchen time, improved and new stinkburgers to come.
Pinch your nostrils, patriots. Keep holding your nose.
Try In & Out burgers - as American as you can get.