EVERYTHING IS JUST DUCKY
by Andy Weddington
Friday, 20 December 2013
"If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands." Douglas Adams
Until yesterday I'd never heard of Phil Robertson. Nor had tens and tens of millions of other Americans.
Now I understand he stars in a TV reality program called 'Duck Dynasty.' I'd heard of the show but never watched (just like those tens and tens of millions of other Americans). And probably never will - for reality shows are not reality.
Mr. Robertson spoke recently (but not for the first time), based on his Christian beliefs, about homosexuality. His remarks (which he enjoys the freedom to publicly offer) offended some folks - namely homosexuals. He ruffled feathers.
The media, not interested in covering government ineptness, malfeasance, corruption, and the collapse of America opted to, what else, go on a Duck hunt. Makes good sense - remember, back in 1988 they went on a Quayle hunt.
Yes, of course, another silly distraction from reality.
And chicken, not duck, executives at the Arts & Entertainment (A&E) network have decided to remove Mr. Robertson from the air. Loony (not ducky)!
What The Duck (that 'D' is not a typo)?
Has a high flying Duck been plucked?
At this writing, the latest is the rest of the Ducks are, yes, bracing - suggesting they may quit the show unable to continue without their head Duck - who does not appear to be a red head. Maybe his duck is, I don't know.
What the hell?! Puzzling is why anyone cares about any of this nonsense.
Furthermore, the FCC should require all such reality programming (on A&E or not) be preceded with the disclaimer: Not Art. For Entertainment Purposes Only.
Look, how about a handful of real things - reality - to appropriately recognize the colorful Mr. Phil Robertson: 1) Arrange a visit in the Oval Office with President Obama - a hip hip-shootin' master of duck (who's more lethal with teleprompter and golf club than shotgun); 2) Put the patriarch Duck on next year's Duck Stamp; 3) Ask Ray Stevens to write and sing a snarky song about him, ducks, and homosexuals; 4) Celebrate, as in roast, him at an LGBT awards (chicken not duck) dinner; 5) Name a Chinese meal (at least a soup) after him; and 6) 'Phil Robertson for President - 2016' - and tab him with the moniker 'Lucky Duck!'
That'll give folks, whatever their position (carnal or otherwise), plenty something to crow (and sing and whatever) about - caw, caw, caw, and quack, quack, quack, and cluck, cluck, cluck.
Ho, ho, ho!
It's enough to make one want to ring some necks. And not of ducks. Nor Ducks.