By Andy Weddington
Monday, 15 June 2020
No ordinary American cares about their Constitutional rights. Joe Biden
Chris: Well, good morning Vice President Biden. The world is quite different than when we last sat down on 11 March. Thank you for offering more of your time as we approach this critical election. But before we begin, do you need to use the restroom?
Biden: Chuck, you are so welcome. Geez, 11 March? I thought it was last week. I'm good on the restroom, for now. You said something about an election. What election?
Chris: Sir, it's Chris. I'm not sure which Chuck ...
Biden: [Interrupting] Chris, I apologize. Won't happen again. Promise.
Chris: Thank you, sir. You ask what election. I'm talking about Election Day - Tuesday, 03 November. America will be electing our next President.
Biden: Craig [Chris eye roll], we have to beat Trump. We must! [pounds table with fist] Now who's running against him? [blank stare]
Chris: Sir, you're the Democrat party candidate. Remember, you finally beat Bernie. But you still have not announced your running mate. Who is it going to be? Wouldn't you like to announce it on this program?
Biden: Chet, first, it's news to me I'm running but if you say so okay. They haven't told me who's going to be running on the ticket. They're working on it, I guess. Is that your hair? I ... wait ... have you seen my dog? And who in the heck is Barney?
Chris: Sir, you don't have a dog. Your wife's holding the cat.
Biden: My wife's not here. That's my daughter. And who's cat is she holding?
Chris: Sir, we'll sort that out later. We don't have much time and I'd like to talk substance to better inform voters.
Biden: Okay, Clint, fair enough. But we don't want voters to be too smart. Where do we start?
Chris: Let's start with the hot topic of the day - CHAZ or CHOP or whatever the name.
Biden: [Interrupting] Craig, I've not met the man. Never! And any allegations that he bought favoritism from me is a damn lie. I'm serious. My daughter will back me up. So will my dog.
Chris: Sir, I am talking about the situation in Seattle.
Biden: Seattle? Seattle, Maine? What's going on?
Chris: Sir, Seattle is in Washington State. Rioters took over a section of the downtown - six square blocks, in fact.
Biden: C'mon, man, you're kidding? Right?
Chris: No, sir. True. And the mayor and governor are supporting them. In fact, the mayor describes it as a block party.
Biden: Block party? You're pulling my hairy legs [grinning]?
Chris: No, sir.
Biden: Well, I can't possibly say more until my staff brings me up to speed. Wonder why they've not told me about this? That seem odd to you, Chuck?
Chris: Sir, I was told you were briefed - on all current events - and had a position.
Biden: Chuck, that's just not true. Or maybe it is. I can't remember. Isn't the Space Needle in Seattle? You sure about Maine? Where are we, anyway?
Chris: Sir, we're in your basement.
Biden: Strange. I don't recognize this place. Must be all the light. Usually, I'm in the dark. Could you point me to the restroom, I need to pee.
Chris: Welcome back, sir. That was quick.
Biden: Turns out I didn't need to pee. But the sign said to wash my hands - there's that virus going around. You've heard about that, right?
Chris: Yes, sir, know all about the virus - that's why we're wearing masks and sitting six feet apart.
Biden: [Laughing] Well, that explains a lot of things. What's next on your mind, Craig.
Chris: Let's talk about you. Honestly, from our last interview and the 20 minutes into this one, I am concerned about your cognitive skills. At times you look bewildered, have forgotten events of mere minutes earlier, and have said some quite strange things. Will you explain, please?
Biden: I have no idea what you are talking about. My memory is as sharp as ever, analytical ability not impaired, and I still eat donuts and play with Tinker Toys.
Chris: Donuts? Tinker Toys? What do donuts and Tinker Toys have to do with your cognitive ability?
Biden: Did I say donuts? Tinker Toys? Huh. That was a slip. I meant to say pizza and Tonka trucks.
Chris: Sir, now I'm confused. I asked you to address your cognitive skills and we're talking about donuts and pizza and toys.
Biden: Who's talking about donuts and pizza and toys? Not me. But matter of fact, if you're ordering, pepperoni and artichokes and olives - black.
Chris: Maybe next time, sir. Let's move on.
Biden: Okay. How about I inject the topic of polls.
Chris: Okay, sir, let's talk polls. What's on your mind?
Biden: They're important, Clint. They're an indicator. And the latest polls - nearly all - have the Democrat beating Trump by more than 5 points.
Chris: That Democrat is you, sir. But let me remind you the polls in 2016 had Hillary Clinton beating Trump handily. They were wrong. They were fake.
Biden: Hillary ran for President? Geez, what a mistake! Didn't we have a better candidate? What was I doing?
Chris: Sir, you were the sitting Vice President.
Biden: [Shock - eyes agog] You're kidding?! You're kidding?! No I wasn't!
Chris: Sir, you sure were - for eight years.
Biden: [Mouth open] I don't know what to say. You sure?
Chris: Absolutely certain. Google your name, after we wrap up this interview.
Biden: What's Google? Whose name?
Chris: Never mind, sir. I'll mention it to your staff.
Biden: Clint, we were talking polls. Have we talked about my girlfriend's son who worked poles?
Chris: You have a girlfriend with a son? Is he your son?
Biden: [Laughing] No, no, no, Craig. My son's girlfriend.
Chris: No, not aware your son's girlfriend was involved in politics.
Biden: She's not, Clint. Poles. Poles. Like firehouse poles. She works poles. In a house or club or something. I don't know. An alarm goes off and she's off to work somewhere, I think. I don't know. There's t-shirts around her somewhere.
Chris: Sir, that's interesting. Perhaps we'll have time to further explore that next time. We're running out of time. I'd like you to talk about why you're not out in public.
Biden: That's easy. Staff told me it's because of COVID-16 concerns. And that I have to stay in the basement because talking is hazardous to my health. But the truth is I have to pee a lot. And I'm having fun playing with the Tinker Toys and Tonka trucks.
Chris: Sir, COVID-19. Never mind. It's time to wrap. Any final comment?
Biden: Craig, this has been so much fun. Really fun! Has anyone told you your hair smells terrific? Let's do this again soon.
Chris: Count on it, sir. Until next time folks.
AN INTERVIEW WITH JOE BIDEN