By Andy Weddington
Wednesday, 11 March 2020
It has nothing to do with your intelligence quotient. It has nothing to do with your intellectual makeup. Joe Biden
Chris: Well, good morning Vice President Biden. Know you are busy with the campaign so thank you for taking time this morning to sit with us.
Biden: Chuck, you're welcome. Happy to be here. Now where are we?
Chris: It's Chris, not Chuck, Sir and we're in your home.
Biden: Oh, okay Chet. Thank you. I thought this place looked familiar. Have you seen my dog?
Chris: Sir, you don't have a dog. You just handed your cat to your wife. And it's Chris, Sir.
Biden: I have a cat?
Chris: Sir, shall we get along with some questions.
Biden: [laughing] Of course, where shall we start?
Chris: Well, Sir, how about with the beginning - why are you running?
Biden: I'm running because we need to take back the House. The Senate, too. I'm running because I miss being a Sena ...
Chris: Sir, you're running for President!
Biden: I am? [confused look] I didn't know that. Since when?
Chris: Sir, you look as if you're surprised to be a candidate for President?
Biden: Surprised? No, I'm not surprised. I'm shocked! Can we get back to this question?
Chris: Yes, Sir. We'll come back to it.
Chris: Let's talk about your position on guns.
Biden: Yes. Good. Let's. I am somewhat of an authority on this topic.
Chris: So I understand. Yesterday you made reference to AR-14s. That surprised a lot of folks. Can you clarify?
Biden: Chet, I misspoke. I completely misspoke. I've no idea what was on my mind but what I meant to say was AR-16. The AR-16 is a dangerous gun. It shoots too many rounds and it's just dangerous. Did I mention it's dangerous?
Chris: Sir, it's AR-15 and you are on record saying you, if elected, plan to confiscate them.
Biden: Chuck, that's a lie! I never said any such thing.
Chris: Shall I show you the footage, Sir? It's quite clear what you said.
Biden: I know what I said. And what I said is not what folks think they heard nor what I meant to say about what folks wanted to hear. And that should be clear enough about how I feel about religion. Can we change topics?
Chris: Sure. What is your overall assessment of Bernie Sanders?
Biden: Barney is crazy. Simple as that. Crazy.
Chris: Sir, there's a lot of people of who believe you're crazy - that you're losing your mind. You have some sort of gaffe every day and over the simplest of things. How do you explain them?
Biden: Explain what? Those aren't gaffes. That's just my quirky sense of humor and way of ensuring people are listening. Chet, can we take a short break, I really have to pee.
Biden: Thank you! I'll be right back.
20 minutes later ...
Chris: Welcome back, Sir. That was a little longer of a break than expected. Are you okay?
Biden: Fine, Chuck. Just fine. I was having difficulty with the zipper.
Chris: Sir, you're wearing sweats there is no zipper.
Biden: I'll be damned. You're right. How much time do we have, Chet?
Chris: Plenty of time, Sir. How about we move on to something else. Let's talk about President Trump.
Biden: Okay. President Trump it is. Your questions?
Chris: First, what kind of job do you think he's done?
Biden: How could Donald not succeed? After all, me and Barack set him up. We put everything in place. And let's not forget the OBiden/Bama team served with honor and integrity and sacrifice. But Trump has to go. He's bad for America.
Chris: Sir, you do know President Trump has been a whirlwind of energy since taking office. From domestic to foreign matters he's tackling longstanding problems that have worked against Americas's interest. And he works for free - donating his salary back to country. Will President Biden donate his salary back to America?
Biden: Did you ask if I'd donate my salary as President back to America?
Chris: Yes, Sir.
Biden: President? I'm running for Senate. No. Why would I do that? That makes no sense.
Chris: Sir, you're running for President. We'll get back to that. But since you brought it up again let's talk about your mental agility. Would you agree to a MoCA?
Biden: Chet, I take my coffee black. I've had mocha pie but never mocha flavored coffee. I cannot imagine.
Chris: Sir, I am talking about MoCA - the Montreal Cognitive Assessment - it's designed to test for cognitive impairment and Alzheimer's disease. Would you agree to take the test?
Biden: There's nothing wrong with my cognitive ability. Just ask my wife, Jack ... Jane... Julie... wait it's Jill, I think. Right?
Chris: Yes, Sir. Jill.
Biden: Right. Jill. She's a doctor, you know. A veterinarian. She takes care of our dog.
Chris: I did not know she was a veterinarian. She takes care of your cat?
Biden: Whose cat? I have a cat?
Chris: Sir, you seem to be having memory problems. Shouldn't the public know that you are fit to assume the duties as their President?
Biden: There you go again, Chuck. I'm running for Senate. The voters are welcome to look me over. If they don't like what they see than can vote for that other guy - Barney Saunders.
Chris: Sir, Barney - Bernie, is not running for Senate. He's opposing you for the Democrat Party's nominee for President.
Biden: How can that be, Chet. Barney is a communist. You're as crazy as he is. By the way, your coffee smells great. Mocha is it? Could I please have a cup?
Chris: Yes, Sir, we'll get you a cup. How about we talk about your yet-to-be-named running mate.
Biden: Sounds good. I really don't know. My people think a woman would be best. But I really don't know. I haven't given it much thought. I've heard the rumors about Hillary but that's not going to happen - I haven't completely lost my mind.
Chris: So, Sir, you don't want to announce your running mate during this interview?
Biden: No. We'll keep that secret for now. But have you ever gotten a whiff of Amy's hair?
Chris: No, Sir, I have not. And plan to not get that close.
Biden: Well, Chuck, what else do you have for me?
Chris: Sir, what about Ukraine? There's an awful lot about Ukraine and your family that just does not pass the common man's sniff test. Anything you want to say?
Biden: I categorically deny any wrongdoing with Ukraine. Now all these allegations of political influence, nepotism, and millions and millions of dollars are just nonsense. And my son did not father any children over there. I know this to be fact because he told me.
Chris: Sir, that's a great lead in to my next question. You're on record as saying you "accept truth over facts." Would you please explain what you meant.
Biden: Sure. If you yell "fire" in a crowded building and create panic and, in fact, there's no fire then you did not tell the truth. That is, you told a lie - that's a fact and the truth is I accept the fact over the truth. That's what I meant. Clear?
Chris: Yes, clear [your mind is gone]. Sir, it looks as if you're tiring.
Biden: Yes, Chuck, it was an early morning and a long day ahead so how about one more question.
Chris: Great! One more. Sir, Coronavirus. What are your thoughts?
Biden: Right now all I can think about is having to pee. And I want a mocha coffee and to pet my dog. I've enjoyed this interview, Clint. Thank you. We'll have to do it again.
Chris: Thank you, Sir. Yes, we'll do it again. Stay tuned folks ...